“They’re
trying to kill us!”
Having
a good life in spite of it all.
Our
sense of security has been lost. The “age of innocence” is gone forever.
We are vulnerable and scared... and waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Much
has already been written about coping with America’s new war.
The best information includes a) returning to your usual routine, b)
talking about your feelings to trusted people c) exercising appropriate caution
d) giving help wherever we can.
There
are three additional strategies we can utilize: Living Our Values, Grounding
Ourselves and Discharging Our Emotions.
1.
Living Our Values
The
Chinese have two symbols for the word “crisis“.
One is danger and the other is opportunity.
Having
to compromise some of our civil liberties for security purposes, a down-turning
economy, fear of sickness or loss of life has compelled us to re-evaluate who we
as individuals, who we are as a
nation and how we can live our lives with a sense of conscious purpose.
The
down times in our lives can be likened to valleys. There is much fertile ground
in the valleys of our lives, just as natural valleys are reposit with nutritious
rainwater. This is a fertile time
to question our life choices, what we value and how we actually spend our time.
Many
Americans have reported a newfound appreciation of and desire to be closer to
their families. Literally
overnight just simply being together is
enough... and we’ve re-learned to take pleasure in the simple things... as
children so readily do. Now is a
good time to sit down and consider what you really want in life and to dedicate
your time specifically to those goals.
This time of crisis is not the best time to actually make major life
changes but to engage in a process of values clarification.
It’s also a time to keep our side of the street “clean” and to
recognize that when someone bullies us, they are often operating out of great
despair and dissatisfaction. One
reason the have nots of the world
want to destroy us is because we have so much.
While each of us has worked hard for what we have, we can be mindful of
the American consumeristic culture and to take a closer look at time and
relationship over having things.
Less can definitely be more.
As
a nation we can also enter into a dialogue with underdeveloped countries and
learn what they truly want in order to explore how we can all live together
fairly and peacefully. A final item
to re-evaluate is the role of worry in our psyches... and to be mindful that
worry doesn’t change anything other than causing us more anxiety.
So doing what we can and letting go of the rest is where
our power lies.
2.
Grounding Ourselves
This
is a time when projections of the future run rampant.
“Someone is out to get us” is not “paranoid”... but a legitimate
fear. The question is
how we can separate an understandable apprehension from panic and a lost
perspective.
One
thing we can do is to stay grounded in our own bodies: i.e. to truly be in our own
skin and be mindful of the difference between present moments and future
projections. Short of looking
carefully at our mail and strangers in crowds, we need to concentrate on the
daily decisions of living. What
time do I get up? What do I wear?
What will I eat? Who will I
be spending time with? What will I
be doing? How can I get my
necessary rest? And to take extra
care to concentrate in being present in the here and now...
for that is all we have. We
have this moment and no other. We
can choose to revel in it and enjoy it as the gift of life it is.
My favorite affirmation along these lines is “wonderful is now”.
Whenever I find myself distracted by these horrendous events, I repeat to
myself “wonderful is now” and I re-establish my living in the moment at
hand.
3.
Discharging Our Emotions
When
emotions run strong, there is a need to express them in some form. While
feelings may be based upon inappropriate thinking they are still very real in
the body and are experienced as electrical charges. The key is to discharge
or release these feelings else they get submerged and lost.
In an atmosphere where it is not customary and even frowned upon to talk
about feelings... especially unpleasant ones, this is a necessary thing to do
for the full recovery of our normal lives (though
normal is being redefined).
Much
has been written by Elizabeth Kubler Rosse about the six stages of grieving
major losses. They are shock,
denial, bargaining, anger, depression & acceptance.
One
stage especially problematic for women is anger.
Its expression is often tabooed. Yet
it’s a necessary stage to pass through. We
cannot wish away our feelings. They
exist and need to be acknowledged and expressed in some way.
When we find ourselves overwhelmed and distracted from what is going on
in the moment, we can use a particular strategy formulated by John Lee called
“The Detour Method”. The
Detour Method simply means to take a detour away from the current situation, to
step aside from that feeling for a while and not act it out in the present
moment (which may be inappropriate). The
method involves finding a safe and trustworthy place to vent out our feelings
and ignore the usual rules of punctuation, penmanship, spelling, grammar, etc.
and then destroy what we’ve written for the sake of our own personal
confidentiality. If we are alone,
we can choose to “physicalize” our feelings through healthy outlets such as
jumping up and down, yelling, beating up pillows, twisting towels and the like.
Each
of these three strategies are quick & easy and cost no money.
Yet they are profoundly empowering and offer us a vehicle to stay
grounded and centered in an uncertain world.
Dr.
Duffy Spencer, social psychologist, therapist, author, specializes in personal
empowerment and relationship-building...at home and at work.
A national speaker, corporate trainer and radio talk show host, Dr.
Spencer has a private coaching & counseling practice in Westbury and is the
founder of WINGS™
weekly groups and seasonal retreats.
She can be reached at drdspencer@aol.com or (516) 334-8985
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